I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
