saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
