Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
