You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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