The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
