I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is Oprah even human
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
