I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
