I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
