miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
