Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
