1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
