It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
