I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
