the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
