he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
