thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
