Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
