Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
