My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
