so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
