I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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