Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
