i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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