Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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