update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
