You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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