i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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