mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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