i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
