I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
