You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
