i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
