Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
People in love make me want to vomit
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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