When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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