is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
