tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
