Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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