we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
