Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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