the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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