i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I need water and some morals
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
