Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize