The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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