I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize