Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
