i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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