you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
