you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
