dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
