apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
