thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
