if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
