Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
