NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
