i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Randomize
