sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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